Don't waste your time or time will waste you.

Had a chance to run around the house, literally, with Erin last night, as she played the "chase me" game. I got tired quick, but it's hard to stop when she's laughing non-stop. One, I'd pretty much do anything to hear that laugh; and two, it's almost as if she was mocking me for being out of shape. It's fun to slowly watch her brain start to associate things, though. When she stops, looks back with that mischievous look in her eye...well, once I simply stopped behind her and didn't move, and she held her ground for a few seconds. She then giggled, ran a few more feet, and repeated the motion. Baby talk for "come ON!"

Muse tonight, for the astute who noticed the title is a Muse lyric. I'll let everyone know how they were.

Don't forget: you're here forever/do it for her.

So after a full day of getting back to the grindstone, I come home yesterday. I'm immediately greeted by the voice of my daughter, who was obviously entirely too used to me being around pretty much 24/7 in close quarters for the previous week. She very exuberantly called out "dada!" when she saw me.

It's the little things.

I'm on a boat.

Here we are, a month later. We're all a little older, a little wiser, and pretty much all of us on the east coast of the USA are tired of the effin' snow, already (welcome to my world every snowfall...).

Jess and I, with Erin in tow of course, got back from a week long cruise yesterday. To the Bahamas. It was okay. I suppose we're not really "cruise people." Overall environment kinda deal, simply not our bag. We loved it down in Nassau, at the "world famous" Atlantis resort, where we got day passes. But the cruise line (which I shall refer to as the "one with the towel animals") does some things in a very interesting way. And of course by interesting I mean "excuse me, but would you kindly stop screwing me royally, thankyouverymuch."

Erin became semi-famous, though, both with the crew and the other passengers. I guess it helps when you have a distinctive hairstyle, are entirely too cute for your own good, and like to engage everybody as you, or they, walk by. I knew we had a real phenomenon on our hands when we were at Atlantis, though, and people said "hey, I know that baby." If I thought like the one with the towel animals, I'd probably charge a fee for interacting with her (assessed at the end of voyage).

So, it's back to the grind. Damn, now I have that Skid Row song "Slave to the Grind" stuck in my head.

Shakabuku

Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.

Now, watch this short clip. I'll wait. Or as I see all over the web, we'll continue after the jump.

(I apologize for the clips dialogue not being in English, but the dialogue really has nothing to do with it)

It's what I needed. And I got it. I can't thank the people that helped enough, including my wonderful wife who put up with a whole lot of my bullshit as I not only suffered, but suffered in silence (and sometimes not so silently) and projected it all over everyone around me. And I should thank all those people that tried to get through to me. And apologize to them, as well, not for not hearing you, but not wanting to hear you.

And in a funny way, I should thank the folks who dropped a boatload of negative vibes in my lap recently. Your actions allowed the cup to spilleth over, as it were, and you set in motion the events that lead me to sit here, and for the first time in years, truly feel like myself again. Or at least, that my true self is emerging from a slumber, stretching arms and yawning, gaining bearing.

For close to 10 years I've had a myriad of reasons to shelter myself. Fear based reasons. Fear of being hurt emotionally by anybody. Fear of security (life security, that is). Fear of non-acceptance. The list goes on. And these fears made me want to shove myself in to this very small box of how I thought people wanted me to be. Except I forgot one person's opinion about who I should be: me.

My work life grew more structured, I grew more frustrated, I squeezed more in to the box, I got in to more trouble, I tried squeezing more in to the box, I grew even more frustrated. And all the while, the more worse it grew, the more I was bringing this home. Home, the one place I actually felt happy. Except I had changed my standards of happy. The emotional state I would have called happy years ago was much higher than the happy I accepted for myself now. In truth, comparably, I was miserable. I had committed one of the worst acts a person can do as they traverse the rocky road of life: I brought my work home with me. And even worse, since I had lowered my own standards, not only didn't I realize I was doing this, I had no clue how it was affecting everything around me.

Owa Ta Nas Iam. Say it, you'll get it.

I have no idea what the future holds, and that's the point. For the first time in a long time, I don't care. Because I have a beautiful wife who has more patience than humanly possible for being able to weather my years long stormy weather. I have an incredible daughter, who with every passing day grows more and more amazing, and whose laughter I could listen to forever. I own my own home, and while it's not the Taj Majal, it's my mine, and my families. It's more than shelter, more than concrete foundations and wood, it has metaphysical meaning as well. It's a tangible crucible of love, friendship, and many more.

And my family doesn't end there. I have a mother in law who loves me, perhaps even if I were her biological son. I have a father-in-law who appears to be pulling his life back together as well, albeit from a different direction. I have aunts and uncles who are nothing but loving and supporting. I have cousins who have always kept me grounded and humbled. I have half-brothers, while distanced, who would probably be there if I absolutely needed them. I even have great pets.

Basically, I have a great family. An awesome one. I had great parents, who unfortunately are no longer with us, but they're sure to be proud of me, and even prouder that after being knocked down, I'm getting back up, dusting off, and standing tall and defiant.

I am not defined by what I do. I am defined by who I am, by my relationships with those close to me. I am no longer afraid of what people who truly don't matter in the long run think of me. I'm not really afraid of what the people close to me think of me, either, but for them, at least I do care what they think of me, and caring doesn't equal fear.

I am me. And I'm going to be the best damn me there's ever been. Let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully, they fall in the right spots. But no matter what, forward ho, friends. Forward ho.

A Sure Sign That Spring is Here (besides baseball):

My azaleas are in full bloom. I took pictures now, because they'll look simply like bushes quite soon. They're beautiful, but they sure don't last long.









Nice, huh?

And here it is, your moment of cute-zen.

There's an Injustice...

And no, it's not that I've gone this long without blogging, though I do apologize for it.

No, the injustice is here, and with baseball season underway, I figured I'd bring it up:

http://www.nfl-nba-mlb-nhl.com/category.sc?categoryId=98

There are some great, great, GREAT Movie/TV jerseys here. I mean, a Jimmy Chitwood Huskers "Hoosiers" basketball jersey? I'd wear that.

And there's some really good fictional players from many sports movies there.

The injustice comes when you note the selection from the Major League movies.

There's Wild Thing, Ricky Vaughn. There's Roger Dorn. There's Pedro Cerrano. There's Willie Mays Hayes. Theres...Tanaka? Well, okay. And that's it. Obviously, there are lots of people left out there. But one of them is glaring and I'm actually sorta steamed about it.

Where's #7? Where's Jake Taylor?

You can argue that the first movie is supposed to focus on a group of players, mainly Vaughn, Hayes, and Taylor (and to some extent Dorn, who, by the way, has many B.J. Surhoff separated at birth moments, especially after his "pep talk" to Vaughn before the penultimate strikeout that leads to the climax). I'd argue that it's Taylor's movie, the rest get second focus, and everyone else gets third. I'd even argue that while the focus clearly shifts in the second movie, it still has Taylor at the heart.

So where's his effin' jersey, you buttholes? I mean, you gave TANAKA a jersey. An offensive (though it's okay, its for laughs!) stereotype that, in the wake of all the good Japanese players that have crashed the MLB since looks so dated in the second movie...but you don't make one for Jake Taylor...the man not only was the heart and central focus of the original movie, but he ends up managing the team by the end of the second!

Yeah, you can get Taylor t-shirts on the web if you look, but I'm pointing a finger directly at that site for a grave failing on their part.

Side note: For those familiar with the movie, have you ever seen the alternate ending? Where Lou Brown hands in his resignation to Rachel Phelps, saying he has no intentions on hanging around while she machinates a move to Florida, and she tells him it was all a ruse? That she actually did love the team, and wanted to keep it in Cleveland, but it was on the verge of bankruptcy, so she not only personally hand picked him to lead them, but personally scouted the team, trying to find players she knew could turn it around. She then played the "Herb Brooks" ploy, uniting the team by being a bitch to them. Brown agrees to stay, but Phelps tells him he can never reveal what really happened, or her "true" nature. Test screeners liked having Rachel as the evil bitch villain though, so it was removed. You can find it on one of the special edition DVDs. Not to mention, she plays the bitch too often in the previous scenes, especially when alone with GM Charlie Donovan...an ending like that, while "happy" would seem jarring and out of place and too neatly wrapped up and perfect.

And just because I know you'd kill me if I didn't, your dose of cute:

And just for kicks, the final 20 minutes (cut in to two parts), which is basically the climactic win and you're in game they play vs. the Yankees for the pennant.

So Lets See...

What to talk about? Well, I got an iPhone, for I'm a slave to technology. For the same reason I talked my lovely wife in to a new TV (thanks honey!).

Erin remains irrepressibly cute, which is a good thing for her as her stinky diapers could be used as biological weapons, though I'm sure that's prohibited by the Geneva Convention.


Baseball season is right around the corner, so I'm excited about that. The Matt Wieters watch has officially begun!

Now excuse me as I watch Scrubs.

Vbloggin' Viznit - Special Cutesy Edition!

Let's just say the muse hit me this morning as Erin was playing. Enjoy as she herself enjoys one of her favorite activities:

Welp, That Was a Nice Break

But now back to it.

Jessie suggested that I give an update on Erin, and like most things she suggests, that's a great idea. So that's a what I'ma gonna do.

The colic is over, yay. She's starting to teethe, though, but hey, that's to be expected. And we lucked out in the regard that she generally sleeps through the night. She doesn't exactly like to go places though, she's kind of a homebody like her folks.

But, she's quite talkative, though she obviously isn't actually saying anything. She's started to make raspberry like sounds, so solid P sounds should follow.

And she thinks its hilarious when I take her hands or feet and hit myself with them, and recoil. I'm not sure what that means...

Vbloggin' Viznit

Enjoy as I possibly mangle a readers net handle, and I'm pretty sure mess up the title of my own video blog itself. Also, I swear Erin is okay, even though she can be heard crying in the background for almost the entire Viznit. She reaaaaally doesn't like it when it's time to sleep. I guess she feels like she's going to miss something.

Send me your questions (not just about me, remember!) for the next edition!

In the Meantime

I'll give you guys some more Erin photos (especially for David McMahon who asked me last night "when's the baby due?" Yeah, thanks David. ;) ) Don't forget that I have asked for help.

Here's Erin with her bunny fufu.

Humpday Haiku: The First of Many, Probably

My kid peed today

not really news you'd say? Wrong.

she peed right on me.

Don't ever let anyone say that you have to worry about that problem only with boys. It happens with girls too, when you're holding them and they have leaky diapers.

Weighing In: This, Too, Surprises Me:

No gain or loss, back to the line of scrimmage. Like a running back who hits a solid wall of defenders.

This surprises me only because, while the food people get/make and bring for you is good, it's also the stuff I've stayed away from in large doses. And they've got them to us in large doses. Awesome food, but not really conducive to a diet. Several days worth of Boston Market...a huge pan of lasagna...etc. Not to mention the brownies that my mother in law made early last week, and then the new pan I made last night. It's a wonder I didn't gain 2 or 3 pounds, and I'm honestly curious as to how I managed it. I guess eating really light breakfasts and chugging the water really helps. I doubt I was burning tons of calories bouncing the baby. Or building my DIY light tent/soft box, or bidding on a flashgun (which I won, yay, I can experiment with bouncing and off camera flash for pictures with Erin!), or the other "activities" I did this week.

Starting weight (8/12/08): 221.4

Weight today (10/27/08): 186.2

Last week: 189.4

Difference from last weigh in: 0 lbs

Overall difference: 35.2 lbs


And now, some more baby eye candy. She drools like daddy!

Flashback Friday: Remember The Not Too Distant Past...

When my daughter was born? Hey, it happened in the past, it COUNTS!

Okay, that's about enough of baby week. From now on, it'll be business as usual, which means of course I'll do whatever I please...put at least now you'll only get updates here and there on Erin.

She's a Real American...

She fights for the rights of every man...

Uncanny, isn't it?

But seriously, she's already picked up this little idiosyncrasy...holding on to her ear.

Good god how can you people stand it? The adorable levels must be driving you insane. My demon spawn will rule the world, I say! Through the power of death by cuteness!

Humpday Haiku: This Week It's All About The Kid

Burrito Erin

all swaddled up nice and tight

not for consumption

She gets that pissed off look from her Daddy.

I Already Have a Funny Story

Cutest Thing Ever
Originally uploaded by bartraeke

So Jessie and I are talking about the transition from merconium (sp?) to regular poopies, and she mentions she was told that breast fed babies don't have stinky poos. I told her that all poop has some smell, it's only that the poop isn't as "HOLY CRAP THAT'S AWFUL" as solid food poop. But then I realized it was only a representation of a proud mother:

She already thinks her daughters shit don't stink. Heh.

Weighing In: Sometimes I Surprise Even Myself

I was totally expecting to gain, or to hold steady, with all the hospital cafeteria food I've eaten the past few days. Lo and behold...another nice drop. You'd have thought I had had the kid! (Kidding honey, kidding).

Starting weight (8/12/08): 221.4

Weight today (10/20/08): 186.2

Last week: 189.4

Difference from last weigh in: -3.2 lbs

Overall difference: 35.2 lbs

And now for some baby eye candy.

World...

Meet Erin. Erin, meet the world. You guys get along okay now.

Born today, the 18th, at 12:26 pm. 7 lbs, 7 oz. The Queen is doing well. Your host is very giddy.

The Heiress has arrived. Now, the hard part begins. ;)