Mom

So, I obviously have made numerous mentions of my father. Even had a very well received post about him not that long ago. But I don't mention my mother as often.

Some people that know me might figure that's because even though she's my mother and I love her, she drives me nuts. There are several different reasons for this, one of the biggest ones that she thinks she knows me better than she actually does (Jessie could write a dissertation on that problem, let me tell you). But in all honesty, one of the reasons I don't really talk about her much is because it's a painful subject. Gonna lay it on the line here, as it were, bare the soul, share the pain, all that crap.

For my entire conscious life, my mother has had Multiple Sclerosis. Not a particularly kind or benevolent condition to have. I don't have any memories of her where she wasn't, at the very least using a cane. Most of my early memories have her using one, or two, canadian crutches (the kind with the cuff...you'd know them if you saw them). She has gotten progressively worse and worse over my 30 years. She hasn't been able to walk, or even use her legs, for about a decade now. She's in a nursing home now, because after her last fall about 3 years ago, a social worker decided she needed more care than my father could provide. Which was completely the truth, and somewhat serendipitous since they were able to get her in to a home on their own terms instead of when my father died a little less than a year later. She has a lot of mobility left in her upper body, but I see signs of her losing that lately. And currently, meaning, right now, shes in the hospital. Which she's been going to more and more frequently. Trying to be as non-graphic as possible, she's been catheterized far too long. She should have had a permanent one done years ago, but for some reason didn't. So, she's now prone to frequent UTI's. They're starting to get closer together, and you don't need to be a doctor to see where this is heading. The infections are becoming more frequent, so she's on antibodies more. The infections are only going to get hardier, and her body is only going to get more resistant to the antibodies.

These past two trips have really concerned me. Generally, she's only hospitalized when she shows a certain symptom of the infection spreading: confusion/delusion/etc. This has been going on for five years at least. I remember her thinking her phone was a remote control once about five years ago. I thought it was funny then. Less so now. Last month she went in with a UTI once again, but for the first time...she didn't remember her delusional periods. Usually she can recall them in hindsight, even if they're hazy. Not this time. In fact, she's got herself convinced she was in a short coma because she doesn't recall a span of about 3 or 4 days. Not to mention that when she did come out of it, she had this weird paranoia thing going on. I thought she had a stroke or something. She was convinced that "death was in the hospital" and in a move completely uncharacteristic of her to anybody that knows her, told me she wanted me to leave. You have to understand, this woman begs me to visit her more (I hate hospitals, and her nursing home is basically a glorified hospital...the smells get to me), and the first thing she says after saying hi is "I want you to leave." Yeah, something wrong there. I eventually got her to see how crazy she was sounding that day, but scary nonetheless.

And then this time, she had a seizure, and was unresponsive in the ambulance on the way over. She's stabilized now, but they've done tests and can't figure out where the hell the seizure came from. Also scary. I'm not a doctor, but I'm also a relatively logical person and I know a negative progression when I see one.

I'd really like it if she saw her grandchild.

This is why I don't talk about my mother. Not because she drives me crazy. But because I love her, and have watched her slowly deteriorate my entire life. So, if she comes up again, I doubt it'll be anything heavy, unless it's the one inevitability of life. I simply do not like talking about it, or thinking about it. This post was hard enough as it was.