First off, good evening to you, Mr. Elmo and Ms. Ninja.
Elmo: There better be food this time, man.
Ninja: I hope this won't take long, I have...stuff...to do. Yeah. Stuff.
Me: No worries, it'll be pretty brief. First off, I'd like to ask the two of you who you're supporting in this years United States Presidential Election.
Elmo: zzzzzzzzzz
Me: Elmo, wake up, I asked you a question.
Elmo: Oh, what, the president thing? Uh, I dunno. Who would take me for a walk more?
Me: Probably Obama. Though McCain might have Palin walk you.
Elmo: Then I don't care. That one.
Me: It's funny you should put it like that...
Elmo: zzzzzzzz
Me: Alrighty then. Ninja?
Ninja: Look buddy, I don't know who put you up to this, but I'm a Nermal supporter all the way.
Me: Nermal? The kitten from Garfield?
Ninja: You better believe it. That girl would be this nation's best hope...
Me: Uh, Ninj...Nermal's a dude.
Ninja: Get out.
Me: No, really. Nermal is a boy kitten.
Ninja: But...girl voice?
Me: Yeah, I know.
Ninja: Way to crush my dreams, human.
Me: It's what I do. Okay, next question. How do each of you feel about the impending arrival of Erin?
Elmo: Nrnrnrnrnrnrrrrr
Me: Elmo, would you stop chewing on your foot for a minute to answer the question?
Elmo: But it iiiiiiiiiiiiitches!
Me: Come on, you little freakshow.
Elmo: FINE! ...what?
Me: ERIN!
Elmo: Oh, right...that's the thing in mommy's belly, right? Why you keep yelling at me to get down all the time?
Me: Yeah.
Elmo: Why does the stupid cat get to get up there?
Me: She doesn't weigh close to twenty pounds.
Elmo: Are you calling me fat? Hey, where's the food?
Me: This baby does effect you, you know. We're co-sleeping.
Elmo: We do that now.
Me: WITH THE BABY!
Elmo:...where will I sleep?
Me: You can stay on the bed, you just can't sleep up top because that's where the baby's cosleeper bed will be.
Elmo: This kid better take me for walks.
Me: Not for a few years, buddy.
Elmo: I got gypped in this deal...
Me: How about you Ninja? ...Ninja? Okay, damnit, where did you go?
Ninja: I'm up here, I told you I had stuff to do.
Me: Your stuff involves getting on top of the laundry sorter.
Ninja: A cat has to have her priorities.
Me: So, about Erin...
Ninja: What do I care, I'm still getting fed and having my litter box changed, right?
Me: Yeah...
Ninja: Then have 10 of those things, see if I care.
Me: You're a credit to your species.
Ninja: I know. Oh look, something over there is moving. Gotta pounce!
Me: I think we've lost Ninja. What do you think Elmo?
Elmo: Mommy, make Daddy stop asking questions and being all mean and stuff!
Me: Great, well, folks, looks like we lost our interviewees already. Sorry they weren't more forthcoming, but what can I say...it's a dog and a cat. This has been your host, Bart, saying Good Night, Good Morning and Good Day.
The funny/scary thing is that's pretty much how the real debate went.
ReplyDeletePractically word-for-word.