Well, now that I'm back somewhat, I feel that I need to somewhat explain my absence.
It could be easy enough to say it was simply writer's block. And while that did come in to play, it's not completely the truth.
The fact is, I had a bit of a mental breakdown. Nothing like you'd see on television or whatever, but I definitely "lost it" a bit. Last night my new therapist and I figured out when it was that everything came crashing down: a point when Erin was in colic-y crying jag. I was very close to shaking her in frustration, and that scared the living shit out of me, causing the breakdown.
What I've come to realize is that I've had an anxiety problem all of my life. Chronic worrier. That's how I thought of it. And it's a circular problem. Anxiety leads to stress. Stress leads to anxiety. They feed off each other, escalating each other...and that incident with my daughter was the last straw. Sure, other things lately have helped it along, mom dying and that sort of thing, but that was definitely the one thing I can point at and go "that's when I no longer could control it anymore." Because I had been able to control it to some degree before this, though I would always worry about everything. But this time, I became almost ineffective, doubting everything I did and sinking in to a subsequent depression which I foolishly tried to hide. This created a lot of problems, the very least of which was my inability to post here. I won't get in to them, but there wasn't many facets of my life that weren't touched by this calamity.
I'm not better, not by any stretch. As I pointed out, I'm in therapy, and I'm trying some medication. But feeling positive and energized about CSFB with new ideas, plus other things going on has me feeling somewhat balanced again. We'll see how all of this goes together, shall we?
Here is a bit of wisdom I picked up on my recent trip to Ireland :@D
ReplyDeleteThere are only 2 things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well there is nothing to worry about: but if you are sick there are 2 things to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die then there are 2 things to worry about: either you will go up or you will do down. If you go up there is nothing to worry about. But if you go down you will be so busy shaking hands with old friends that you won't have time to worry.
:@}
Bear hugs!
There is no question that '08 brought you what many therapists call "major life stressors;" some good and some bad. Sometimes life forces us to step back, regroup, and strategize before proceeding forward. I'm glad you've come up with a strategy. And I admire the courage it must have taken to write this post.
ReplyDeleteAnd about us? Don't give us a second thought. We'll come around when our readers tell us you've posted. At least I'm not going anywhere.
Having been through something similar myself, I can empathize with what you've been going through. Kudos to you for taking steps to strengthen yourself with therapy and medicine!!!!! Proud of you!
ReplyDeleteMr Lawyer Bear...
ReplyDeleteIf only it were that easy. This is, most probably, a chemical imbalance since the anxiety has ALWAYS been there in some capacity.
Nichole-
ReplyDeleteDid you just tell a constant worrier not to worry?
Buffy- Thanks. The posting is part of the process really.
ReplyDeleteHell, knowing myself and watching the first Viznit vblog I can see the anxiety just pouring out.
Yet another of the many ways in which we are the same person. I get anxious about everything, which is why it takes me so long to make even the simplest decisions, and then I get afraid becuase I've put something off for so long, which adds to it. I'm not sure if mine is a chemical thing or not though, so you've probably got it a bit worse than me.
ReplyDelete*hugs* You'll get through this and I'm here whenever, whatever.
ReplyDeleteReading your post was like reliving a bad memory. I've had a similar colic moment while on maternity leave when I suddenly realized I understood how people could pick up their children by the feet and slam them against the wall. I've never been more terrified of myself in my entire life. And having suffered from crippling anxiety for most of my life, I know exactly what you're talking about as far as the breakdown.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm rambling, but I just wanted to say that I've been there and I know this is rough, and if you just keep pushing, you'll get through it. And while it never goes away completely, you'll get a better handle on it, so long as you keep working at it. Good luck and just let it all out if you need to. That's why we're here :)
I say good for you for you, for seeking out help. We all need help of some sort, for whatever our unique lives hand us, at some point during our lives. It's a lot more difficult to ask for help than anyone ever prepares you for--or at least in my experience. I admire your ability to lay it out here to us in such an honest & open way. This blog post may openly share more than I ever have on my own blog in a non-cryptic way.
ReplyDeleteRyan...well you and I talked already. :)
ReplyDeleteHeather, thanks coz.
Katy, sorry it brought back any unpleasantness, but thanks for the words of encouragement.
Dawn, thanks. And you know me, not only am I not big on anonymity (something that's gotten me in to hot water, too) I'm also not big on pulling punches. I might not be able to say some of this stuff out loud, but I can "write" my mind fairly well. Might as well utilize that outlet.
Glad to have you back.
ReplyDeleteLife has its ups and downs. You went through a whole crap load of highs and lows last year. That can royally f'with the sanest of all people. It never gets easier... we get stronger, learn how to watch for warning signs, gain more tools.
You'll be just fine, and you will learn how to keep that anxiety at bey. You can and you will - you ARE strong enough.
Thanks, Michele.
ReplyDelete