Exclusive Interview with Elmo:

Good evening ladies and gentleman, I'm your host, Bart. Today, we've got an exclusive interview with Elmo the Dog. We're so happy to have him here tonight, and we hope you are, too. Since most of you don't speak Dogese, let alone Russelarian, I'll translate for you.

Bart: Welcome Elmo.

Elmo: Where's the food? I was promised food.

Bart: It's in your bowl. Where it always is.

Elmo: The one on the left, or the one on the right? I like the one on the left. But that one goes away a lot. Put it back.

Bart: That's the cat's food. Yours is the one on the right. But let's move on. What makes you tick, Elmo?

Elmo: Food. Where's the food, again?

Bart: Besides food.

Elmo: Sleep. Walks. Hey, are we going for a walk?? Are we?

Bart: No, not right now. How do you get along with the cat?

Elmo: There's a cat here??

Bart: Yes...you eat her food all the time. She swipes at you on a regular basis. You root around in her litter box! How do you not recognize we have a cat??

Elmo: I'm hungry.

Bart: Ugh. Okay, changing topics...why do you mess with us when we try to sleep?

Elmo: Because you need to be feeding me. Or walking me. Preferably both. Hey, are we going for a walk?

Bart: No. And put your lipstick away.

Elmo: I can't help it.

Bart: Yes you can! You can stop licking yourself!

Elmo: ...why would I do that? Wait, if I stop doing this will there be food?

Bart: Okay, I'm done. Here, have a treat. Your breath stinks.

Elmo: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD GIVE ME THE FOOD GIVE ME THE FOOD!!

I'm sorry, ladies and gentleman. He promised us that he'd show up fed and walked. This is the danger you enter when interviewing such a capricious animal. Til next time.