Vacation, all I ever wanted...?

As the title so wittingly points out, I'm on vacation. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it, though, to be honest. A large part of me is glad. By my own design I had been working more, something that hadn't gone unnoticed by my supervisors, but not for positive reasons. A break could very well do me good.

But at the same time, it's also giving me time to think about my job. What's been happening there, how things are playing out, etc. I'm not going to get in to specifics, because, quite frankly, I'm not a grade A idiot. I'm not anonymous here, though in hindsight, I wish I had have followed the mold of Dan Mega. But I'm not big in to the faceless anonymity that the internet provides, and I wanted to be able to say stuff and have people know that I said it. The unfortunate downside to that is that people know I said it. People have been fired for saying things in their blogs or other similar new media. I don't want that to be me, that's for damned sure.

But I will say that I view my job a lot differently today than I did yesterday. And yesterday I viewed my job a lot differently than I did 6 months ago. And 6 months ago I viewed my job differently than I did 2 years ago...and so forth. Such is life.

My problem stems is that I never changed. I've been operating in almost the same way I've operated since I started working this job.

Or have I? Lately I've been getting more and more negative feedback about a certain aspect of my job performance (which again, I'm not getting in to). I don't think I've changed there either, but being confronted about it has forced me to look at it objectively. And maybe I have. I mean, thinking it over, it seems like a perfect storm. Things started becoming an issue right around the time when I learned I was going to be a father.

I'm not sure what that means. I really don't. But I can't completely dismiss that as coincidental, even if it might be. Am I tensing up more because of an increased sense of responsibility in general? Could be.

I've said it before. I love what I do. I never would have expected to be in this field, but I love what I do. But maybe I care too much...and that's part of the problem. Maybe I should care about myself more, though in a lot of ways my caring about the job as a whole is a reflection of that. What I mean, though, is that I should stand back and be more objective rather than subjective. Accept the fact that I can't really change what goes on. Adapt. Roll with the punches instead of my natural personality instincts that make me want to stand toe to toe with adversity.

I have a long road in front of me. One full of eager anticipation and of apprehensive uncertainty.

But my vacation has helped put a few things in perspective. I am who I am. My job is what it is. The situations are what they are. There's middle ground in there. I simply must take the time to find it...and myself in the process.