This Week In Lunacy.

So, in the recent past, say the last year or so, a revolutionary invention was thrust upon us adoring masses. What was this paragon of innovation you ask? What possible gadget or gizmo could have caught my discerning eye?

The Go-Tart.

That's right. The Go-Tart.

Somehow, I never realized exactly how unportable the Pop Tart really was. It's chunky and rectangular. You need to hold it between fingers. No longer with the incredibly versatile Go-Tart. Now, boys and girls, it's thinner, and rounder! You can close your fist around it! Now, you never have to miss your bus and be late for school, because instead of being forced to sit down at the table, and eat that Pop Tart on a plate with a fork and knife, you can snatch it up in your hands and GO GO GO.

I can't believe anybody really thought there was a problem in the portability of the Pop Tart. I mean, for crying out loud, the whole selling point years ago was that it was something you could heat up if you wanted, and still take with you on the go. Every time I see a Go-Tart commercial, I wince a bit at the stupidity of us all.

This week's Rhyme...and Treason.

Once again, apologies for the latesies. I forgot yesterday was Monday. Whooooops.

That's not true. In reality, I got distracted. But here we are anyway, with this weeks rhyme.

Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye;
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
They all began to sing.
Now, wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before the King?

The King was in his countinghouse,
Counting out his money;
The Queen was in the parlor
Eating bread and honey.
The maid was in the garden,
Hanging out the clothes.
Along there came a big black bird...

readygo.

Rhyme and Treason results!

Sorry to be a day late but I was kind of busy buying a car yesterday. My bad.

Dawn starts us off and can't get away from a Red Sox boast. Sorry, you lose. :D

...when the Mighty Papelbon strikes you out.

pope terry. brings us around the bend with
.. where the whole town smell of trout...


Want realism? Brian in Oxford

....Casey's steroids test's in doubt.

....David Wells gave Casey gout.

....Donald Fehr's a blowhard lout.

....Casey fouled one off his snout.


Cert. Never can make up his mind. Here's his second attempt.

.. - all the folks know it's a dud ville:
There's no Wal-Mart and the only traffic light in town's gone out.


whodatdare goes in two different directions.

... The peanuts and beer have run out....

From within the closet, mighty Casey has come out...


ohara gets all poetic on us

... But there is no joy in Mudville -
with hearts so full of doubt.

Oh Casey turn this game around the faithful crowd had cried
Oh Casey rise to the occasion, a thousand lips had sighed
And a thousand dreams were answered as that ball cracked o'er the field
And Caseys right to run was won and Mudville raised the shield.


chewy, you should have changed this to Yankee scout, that would have crushed the hearts of Mudvillians

.. The mighty Casey left with the Red Sox scout.

I'm actually a bit disappointed that some of you didn't attempt to kiss my backside with a Orioles reference. You probably would have won for sure. For SHAME people.

That being said, our winner this week is...


Brian in Oxford for his "Casey's steroids test in doubt" entry! Close second was ohara giving the poem a happy ending, but with Barry Bonds about to disgrac...er, I mean....break the all time home run record, I felt Brian knocked one out there. Pun completely intended.

Touch 'em all, Brian.

Iron Man

So, Cal Ripken is going to be inducted in to the Hall of Fame this Saturday. Most famous for "The Streak," which ended at 2,632 consecutive games played, he was also a pretty luminous player in his own right.

However, he's not the true Iron Man in the Baltimore organization.

Meet Ernie Tyler. Ball "boy" and umpire assistant for the Orioles. He's worked every Baltimore home game for 32 seasons.

His streak comes to an end Friday. Why? Old age finally creeping up on him? Hospital stay?

No.

He's going to Cooperstown to see Cal inducted.

It may not be irony, but it's definitely notably poignant.

Cooperstown: A Recap.

Nice town. Wouldn't want to live there.

A true one stop-light town

With a few possible exceptions, and I apologize to those of you who are those exceptions, Red Sox fans are the most obnoxious and rude baseball fans by far, if their Hall of Fame etiquette is any indication. Loud, rude, pushy, and kinda dumb. And if I had to hear "where's dah sawk?" one more time, I was gonna give someone a good sock.

How many baseball souvenir shops can one small town have?

Don't waste your money on the wax museum. While there's some funny things in there (like the "Pete Rose Induction" exhibit, or Steinbrenner and Constanza), they have a figure of Roger Maris in the right hands batters box, and misspell Vin Scully as Vin Sculty on a placard. No need for that.

I never knew that Cy Young wasn't his name. Cy that is. It was short for Cyclone. Annoyingly enough I can't remember his real name off the top of my head.

A League of Their Own took MANY liberties with the real AAGPBL. For instance, it was more like softball pretty much the entire period of WWII. Only near the end, in the 50s, did the rules become more like baseball.

There's something magical about watching a game at Doubleday Field, even if the "history" of Cooperstown is a bit bogus.

I highly recommend the Italian restaurant on Main Street next to the CVS.

There's a Chinese take out type place on Pioneer Street called Foo Kin John. That's hilarious.

I know many people named John who will get sent this image at times.

You shouldn't take a child under 5 or 6 in to a huge musuem. It took me and my friend about 7 hours to get through it. Think about what a place like that would do to a small child. Then think about what that cranky small child does to me. Now, make it like 100 cranky small children, but still only one of me.

Did I mention lately that I hate people?

Rhyme and Treason -Special Cooperstown Edition

Hello all, time for this weeks Rhyme and Treason. This week, we have "Casey at the Bat." However, the poem is much too long to post the whole thing, so only the last stanza is included. So try and remember it's about baseball, and have at it!

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Mudville -

readygo

Perhaps you Remember...

When I pleaded for The Monster Squad to be released on DVD?

Today's the day. 20th Anniversary Special Edition. TWO DISCS! Prayers: answered.

Rhyme and Treason to come a bit later (still recovering from Cooperstown).

So, uh...

Yeah, my hotel in Cooperstown has free WiFi. Glad I brought the Lappy in case!

So, I'm doing a second interview, because I can. This time from Deborah over at Uncommon Notions. Away we go, and my answers italicized!

Bart,

It is with great pleasure that I accept the offer to interview you. You are a very interesting man and so I am entirely completely unable to limit myself to only five questions.

1. Your blog is chock full of sarcasm and humor. In elementary school were you the intellectual kid with a dry sense of humor that no one understood? Do you mind posting a picture from that era?

No. I was way more spastic. Up through high school. The dry humor was still there, but not as prevalent. I don't have access to a scanner, but when I do, I'll throw some embarrassing photos of that era up.

2. You seem to be one that can get ticked off at seemingly small things, like big cars that park too close to your Japanese hybrid while you are picking up a ream of not-so-white 100% recycled paper at the office supply store. Or when people just misuse a common word that just about everyone misuses. Do you consider yourself short tempered? Or simply one who is passionate about things in which you believe? Were you raised by strong willed people that fought for their beliefs? Or what do you think causes you to react so strongly in certain situations?

I'm infamously short-tempered. Though I tend to get mildly irked at little things as a way to vent the overall anger. Kinda works, too. But I'm also passionate about things I believe in. For the record, I currently drive a Chevy S-10, not a Japanese hybrid. And I'm not particular pressed about buying recycled paper. However, my friend Ryan, on the way to Cooperstown, after I finished ranting about something, said "I love seeing you get worked up over trivial things."
And I react strongly because I'm a relatively strong personality, really. Not much more to it than that.

3. It is apparent you possess a distaste for organized religion. Or at least those religions with proselyting missionaries. However, are there any organizations to which you claim allegiance? A recreational soccer team? The local Thespian group? AA? Or a knitting club, perhaps? On a personal note, if there is ever anything I could do to get you to listen to the Mormon missionaries, is that something you would share with me?

How shocked would you be if I told you I was an ordained clergy member? Okay, I got it off the internet, but still. I have a card and everything, proclaiming me as ordained member of the clergy, of the church of Spiritual Humanism, and I have an officiant's manual. I can marry people, which is a frightening thought. But yes, on the whole, I'm not a huge fan of organized religion. George Carlin once commented that the last commandment should be "keep thy religion to thyself." That's my main complaint, really. I don't begrudge people their religion, but sometimes they sure seem to begrudge me my belief system, because it's not theirs. Not everyone, mind you. But that's what I have against "proselyting missionaries," as you put it. I currently don't belong to any organizations that I can think of off the top of my head, though.
If someone where to pay me by the hour to listen to the missionaries, I'd consider it. My time is valuable, though.

4. You seem to be a bit of a word wizard. A message mogul in a sense. Has your passion for the English language ever brought you real fame or benefit? For example, did you ever win the school spelling bee? Or have a Letter to the Editor published?

Beyond this blog, and some college paper stuff, nothing. However, considering the nature of my job, occasionally people are surprised by my vocabulary. I don't think people expect a person in my job to bust out the five dollar words. Most recently, a high school principal was impressed by my use of purview ("I'm afraid chair arrangement doesn't fall under my purview").

5. I’m sure we’d all agree that your persuasive writing skills are top-notch. Did you ever consider law school? Or did you at least take the LSAT? If so, do you mind sharing your score with us? If not, have there been career dreams you wish you would have followed? Or still plan to follow?

No, but my mother sure did. But I had plenty of career dreams. I want to be a writer, but I also wanted to be a critic. Movies or books. Preferably movies. That's a hard field to get in to, though, at least for me it seemed to be. I also want to own a theatre. But that's like, THE DREAM. But I was strictly liberal arts throughout school.

6. We are somewhat familiar with your book in progress about a has-been rock band. What about the roadie life interests you enough to write a novel surrounding that theme? And…When you were ten and the kids in your neighborhood formed a garage band (all kids do this at some point right?) did you play the Quaker Oatmeal cardboard cylinder drums? Or another instrument? You weren’t the lead singer were you?

This summer seemed to be the summer of the reuniting bands. The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, etc. It was really The Police getting back together that made me think of that idea, though, because they broke up for a reason. I worked a Guitar Congress a few years ago that Andy Summers (Police guitarist) spoke at. He clearly didn't like Sting. I figured that never went away, so this tour was probably really interesting behind the scenes. Voila.

I was not in a garage band at ten. However, from 19-23 I played guitar in some bands. One outfit played a few shows in the area. We even played with Good Charlotte before they got all big and stuff. I'm not the best choice for singer, though. I have a fairly deep voice. It works very well for an Eeyore impression, but as a singer, I sound like the guy from Crash Test Dummies. Remember that song? Mmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmm.

Thank you for taking the time to be interviewed. I feel like Katie Couric. Except I’m not that small. And I’m not blonde. And I don’t live in NYC. And I don’t own anything Prada. Nevertheless, this was a hard-nosed interview, would you agree?

Relatively so, yes. :D

Rhyme and Treason results

Here’s our entries. Starting with Brian from Oxford.

...and shot herself dead.
...and gave her man head (because she was tired of being pregnant)
...and snuck off to be fed.
...behind the woodshed.

On to whodatdare.

... with a pipe made of lead
...'til she cracked all their heads.

Next up is Chewy.

And in the morning the Department of Social Services arrived to take them all away.

Followed by ozlady.

-til they were purplish-red
- and studied biomed
- coz she was seeing red

Bring on chert.

...and tucked them in bed.
The bed was too small, and her efforts for nowt:
As she pushed one more in, another fell out.
Starved and beaten to thinness , they wouldn't stay put.
She wished more had been taken by Athlete's Foot.

David gives us:

... and sent 'em to live with Uncle Fred.
... and checked herself into Club Med
... and she bet the house on the Kentucky Derby favorite, which won by a short half-head

Carol contributes, and editorializes

…and hid in the shed. (Well, that's what I do!)

On to yesbut.

… and they said “forget about the broth, whip us some more we like that, and can you wear this leather thong and mask”.

And finally, pope terry.

With the blunt end of an extension cord

And now, your winner, judged solely by ME!

*drumroll*

Chertiozhnik!!!!

...and tucked them in bed.
The bed was too small, and her efforts for nowt:
As she pushed one more in, another fell out.
Starved and beaten to thinness , they wouldn't stay put.
She wished more had been taken by Athlete's Foot.

Congrats, Chert! You get the wonderful prize of absolutely nothing! Except the admiration of your internet peers. And you can take the R&T graphic and put it up on your site, declaring yourself the winner.

See everyone after I get back from Cooperstown! (Which means the next R&T will be also a little late, as I won't be getting back until afternoon/evening on Monday.

Whoops...

Sorry folks, I've been pretty busy, and at a loss for significant ideas. However, I'll be compiling the R&T entries later tonight, and posting them up tomorrow (or late tonight, really). Then I leave for a weekend trip to Cooperstown, NY.

Be good y'all.

Here we go with my new (and improved?) format for Rhyme and Treason. I put 'em up on Monday, you put in your entries, and at the end of the week, I put them all up, including the one I think "wins." Judged solely by me, Captain Awesome. Gooooooo Awesome! I'm totally humming a theme song right now. I'll also put a weekly easy link there on the side bar for easy navigation as we move further along the days of the week. How's that for magnanimous?

Which reminds me, is a volcano that gives a lot of lava "magmanimous?"

This weeks nursery rhyme is "There was an Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe." a-1, a-2, a-you-know-what-to-do!

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth, without any bread,
Whipped them all soundly...

readygo.

That's Freakin' It!

Was going to do a Rhyme and Treason tonight, but circumstances led me to having to put out an ultimatum instead. Plus, I thought of a better way of doing R&T which I'll discuss as soon as I get something off the ol' chest.

Asshole drivers...you are officially on notice.

I am sick and damn tired of d-bags waiting to the last possible minute to merge over. For whatever reason you have to. Lane legitimately ending, construction, accident bypassing, whatever. The second you see you should get over, GET...THE...HELL...OVER. Your asshole move of not merging only creates a bottleneck.

You are on notice. Because I'm no longer going to sit there and let you do this. From now on, I'm going to straddle the middle line. That's right. I'm going to block your dumb ass from getting by. See, I figure, I might be an asshole to you, but this is better than you being an asshole to EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU PASS, and every person that has to wait that much longer because you wouldn't merge early, saving yourself a couple minutes tops.

I will block you. Try and stop me. Because you'll probably end up rear ending me, and I don't care if I'm straddling that middle lane, you're still gonna be liable. That'd be the icing on the cake.

Look, it's not rocket science. Get over when you know you have to. But I'm not going to sit there, in the correct lane like a good little boy, and watch you be a prick to every person in the correct lane anymore. I'm blocking the dillholes. I urge all of my readers to do the same.

As for Rhyme and Treason, I'm bringing it back Monday. Instead of immediately putting up the responses, I'm going to leave it open for most of the "work" week. Responses should be in by Thursday night. Then, on Friday, I'll post the responses, including the one I feel was the best, which in a sense will be the "winner." Judged solely by me, because I believe in a ruling class, especially since I rule. So, all of you have been clamoring for Rhyme and Treason, check this space on Monday. Which is like, late Tuesday in Australia. Stupid time zones. Stupid sun revolving around the earth and reaching places sooner than others. Stupid astrophysics!!

Memory & Food

Let me tell you a story.

First off, got to get a confession out of the way. Liver and Onions. I'm a fan. I know. Most people hate them. But, I'm not most people. I've loved it ever since I was a kid, and my dad thought he was slick by putting a piece on my plate. I, and my mom, were eating steak, and I left for the bathroom or something. I come back and there's a piece there. Looking nothing like the steak. Not to mention I hadn't cut a piece off before leaving. I was young, I wasn't stupid. I tried it, and liked it, then made fun of my father for trying to be sly.

I haven't had liver & onions for more than a year. Some of that has to do with Jessie being a non-fan. Not all if it, though.

The last time I had liver and onions, I was having lunch with my father. He would bribe me with lunch to get me to fix his computer for him. See, he loved the computer. But he wasn't savvy at all. If there was some spyware out there, odds are he had it. Anyway, he would take me to this little shack of a place around the corner called Mikie's. First time we were there he told me to try the liver and onions, they did it pretty good for a restaurant. My dad was a big believer in home cooking liver and onions, didn't think restaurants did it justice. He was right, both about most restaurants, and Mikie's being good. Every time I've been there, save one time, that's what I've had.

But I haven't touched it in more than a year. The last time I had some was February 2006. My father died on March 19th, 2006.

I've seen it on menus and been tempted. But I can't bring myself to ordering it. Of all the things in this world that could possibly make me think of my father, it seems liver and onions is the one I'm most emotional about. How weird is that?

The closest I got to ordering it was the day after he died. My aunt and I had gone to the funeral home to get the arrangements under way, and she suggested Mikie's for lunch since it was close. I sat there with the menu in hand, still sort of numb. I'm not even sure my aunt realized that Mikie's had become my father's favorite eating hole. But I sat there, wrestling with whether I should get liver and onions. I, obviously, didn't get it. Couldn't tell you what I substituted.

It's amazing how food can invoke such an emotional response. I heard once (on CSI I think) that smell is the sense most closely tied to memory. While I suppose that's true, since when I smell Old Spice and stale cigarette smoke, I automatically think of Dad, at the same time, it doesn't invoke the same response as liver and onions.

Noble...but Stupid...

That's all I could think of today, upon hearing a person speak at a conference at work.

This conference is for a philosophical society. Best I can understand, they rate pure objectivity as the highest form of intellect. I can understand that, but I don't think I could ever approach all debatable topics with a clean slate like that. For instance, the topic that I heard the beginnings of today.

"No Taxation With, Or Without, Representation."

Like I said with the title...noble, but stupid.

I guess only a person looking at this completely objectivity would think this would work. Yes, I'm a misanthrope, but come on...for this to work, socialism/communism would have to work...and it has not, as of yet, worked in the history of the world.

Only a very few people in this world will do something for nothing on a regular basis. For any large group of people to exist without taxation of any kind, the vast majority would have to do a lot of things for nothing. Call my cynical, but this is simply not going to happen in our lifetime, our children's lifetime, or their children's lifetime. It's Gene Roddenberry philosophy (who crafted his utopian Star Trek future where money doesn't exist on Earth anymore), and while it would be a much better world, it's simply not going to happen.

Because people are selfish.

And because absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I understand not wanting to pay your taxes. But wow. I don't understand how anybody can seriously discuss a no taxation system. The logistics to how even the simplest governments could function propped up only by the goodwill of others is mind boggling to me.

Adventures in Misanthrophy!

So, no real secret: I hate people. Current company excluded. Generally, the rule is such; if I don't know you, you're probably stupid and annoying and I hate you. I know, logically, it doesn't really hold water, but don't take away one of my tenets of life, I may never recover.

Anyway, this sort of makes dealing with customers at work dicey at times. Because...well, I hate them if I don't know them. I enter in to the relationship on the negative side. I do my best to try and curb my misanthropic tendencies, though. I do try. Give me some credit.

So, this morning, dealing with a client. I'm already, as pointed out, predisposed towards hostility. He starts trying to move something manually that can't be moved manually. A divider wall on a motor, to be specific. I say, quote, "You can't do it that way, let me go turn the motor on."

Of course, this is one of those guys who I'm predisposed to hate...for real. For he is one of these frustrating people who only hear the first part of a sentence, especially if it's a negative. So what did he hear? "You can't."

So he starts berating me about how that wall NEEDS to be shut because sound will bleed through (newsflash...gonna bleed either way, there's space at the top and bottom), blah blah blah. I know this though...I'm trying to shut the damn thing. Oh no, he didn't hear that part. But this kind of person justifies my crappy outlook on people. Don't get me started on how he thought a wireless mouse was somehow a wireless transceiver to send a signal from his laptop to a video projector. Pushing buttons and freaking out because "it's not showing up! It's not showing up!"

The technologically retarded should not be allowed to use technology. But that's a completely different rant.

At least, it makes it easier for me to say that when people go "you don't hate people." I can totally go, oh yeah, what about THIS GUY?

So, how are you? I like you guys.

I Have Weird Pets

So, you pretty much knew that.

However, I'm gonna nail it home for you all. I was planning on talking about Elmo getting in to a box of Raisinettes. But then, normal behavior (for my pets anyway) behavior kicked in and I couldn't resist.

Both my cat and dog like to be in the bathroom with me when I'm "taking care of business."

See, when The Queen isn't home, I'll keep the door open. Don't ask my why or how I've picked up that habit, I simply have. Well anyway, I'm not surprised in the slightest about Elmo getting his face in there. With the door open, he'll bug you in any room. It's Annie that surprises me.

Simply because it seems like she's attracted...to the smell. Because she doesn't follow me in...she'll find her way in after a couple of minutes have passed. And then lay there and stare up at me. And as soon as the lever is depressed and everything is flushed away, she gets up and saunters away.

Like I said, I've got weird pets.

I'm alive...

Simply out of things to say at the mo...and unfortunately, I have a habit of simply shutting up instead of filling the empty moments.

For my American friends, Happy Fourth of July to you, don't blow your fingers off. To my friends abroad (hehe, I said "a broad") happy, uh, Wednesday to you.