You Take Better Pictures!

Took these from the plane on the way to Vegas. Rocky Mountains from way up high.

Yeah, I rule, I know.

I'm Not Saying...

But I'm saying...

I'm a Marketing Genius

With all these new low-cal hydrators hitting the market, like Gatorades G2, completely marketing themselves as having lower calories as the "in game" hydration drinks, or whatever, I think I can make a killing.

I'm gonna sell my tap water.

Here you go folks. Natural hydration, with zero calories! YOU CAN'T LOSE!

Christ, people are stupid. Drink water, take a separate vitamin. Unless you're an athlete, you don't really "need" Gatorade. Even the low cal stuff.

Important Announcement:

I'm awesome.

Carry on.

Tuesday Tech Support

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

Since I am such a paragon of my generation, people ask me all the time who I support in this election season. Since I can't run for president myself, I'm forced to take a look at the conventional candidates. It's a dicey field out there, but after wading through the quagmire, I believe I have found my candidate.

At first, I thought about Walter. The world needs Walter as the US President, especially after Bush. We need a president who will go up to the podium to deliver his Inaugural Address, and begin it with "eeeh eeeh eeeh...SHUT THE HELL UP!" Not to mention the fact that nobody would deny the fact that he was a puppet president. (rimshot)

But, after much deliberation, I have found my clear cut candidate. And without any further ado, I hereby announce my support for.

RALPH WIGGUM!

That's right, folks. Wiggum '08. It's not unpossible. A president who would solve foreign affairs problems with cookiees and nap time. A candidate who knows what it's like to have their heart broken. A president who once bent his wookiee. Vote smart, America. Vote Wiggum.

Editorial note: I'm obviously kidding, but the first person (who isn't related to me, or I've told already) who guesses who I'm realy supporting will get some sort of recognition.

Relatively Breaking News: Heaven's Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

RIP Roy Scheider

That man got to kill two insane Great White sharks, fly Blue Thunder, and captain the Seaquest. What a guy.

Dad.

So, an old friend's father died yesterday morning. I was already thinking in general terms of mortality since my wife's cousin died recently (my wife donated a kidney to her shortly before we met, which I'll forever be proud of her for, even though I didn't know her, then. The Queen indeed), but this made me think specifically about my own father, who will be dead two years in mid-March.

He basically died from smoking. So, stop smoking people. But I'm not trying to preach here, only trying to remember some of the good things that I miss about the guy.

I miss how gung-ho he was in to computers. And surprisingly competent at it, considering his age and general aversion to technology (he would NOT use an ATM, for instance). He did have the problem of incorrect terminology which made trouble shooting fun, though. He was also an ALL CAPS GUY until I broke him of that habit.

I miss his stupid jokes. That he would never fail to tell. Regardless of the company. He was a "pull my finger" guy. And damnit if I didn't pull that finger every time.

I miss how he would take no shit. Even if I was the one shovelling it.

I miss the M in his hair. His hairline was receeding in to an M shape.

I miss how he stuttered vowel sounds after his stroke. That sounds kind of cruel, but it was endearing to me for some weird reason.

I miss how he'd tag team with me against Mom. That poor woman never had a chance.

I miss how he simply seemed to accept the fact that I was old enough to curse in front of him. I dropped a cinder block on my foot, and then dropped an f-bomb. He asked "what did you just say?" and my response was "you *bleepin* heard me! I dropped a cinder block on my foot, what do you want me to say, oh darn?" He laughed and from then on, I casually cursed in front of him. Which was nice, because I like to curse like a pirate.

I miss how he looked like someone took Gene Hackman and Wilferd Brimley and smashed 'em together.

I miss his cooking. He never got anything right, but it was still delicous. I take that back. His spaghetti sauce was brilliant. It wasn't completely made from scratch, but pretty close to it. He'd wake up at 5-6 am and start cooking it up, let it simmer all day...that was good shit, man.

I miss how he'd lumber around the house like a zombie while half asleep.

I miss his laugh.

I'd miss his stories about his mother, especially the one where she threw a knife at him. She was an old school Italian mamma, boy. You didn't eff with her, and my dad, the way he told it, effed with her a lot.

I miss how he would, in lieu of sticking out his tongue, would stick his dentures out at me.

I miss how balked at me getting my ear pierced at a young age, but would always say "but if you wanna get a tattoo, I'll take you down myself." Now I have both, though more tattoos than piercings. That reminds me, I always said I was going to get a tattoo in his honor, I should look in to that in the future.

I think that's all I'm really willing to say now.

Wanna Laugh?

Go visit my friend at BigBenKennedy.com. He's got a blog too, he's pretty good at near daily updates lately, too. And sometimes he has blogarrhea and posts 5 times in about an hour. But whatever, go check him out, watch or listen to some of his comic material (oh yeah, he's a comedian), and get him some more exposure.

See what I do for friends. Yeah, I go all Sweet Daddy B for them.

That was a pimping joke for those who didn't get it.

Relatively Breaking News: Surprise, Eli Manning Knows How to Smile

In a stunning upset, Eli Manning broke the frown lines on his face with a smile. When asked for comment, his brother Peyton says "I gave him all the advice I could. In the end, he just had to use those muscles."

Relatively Breaking News: Dane Cook - Meth Addict

Can you believe it? Superstar comic (and alleged joke thief) Dane Cook is a meth addict?

Actually, that's not true. Or at least, I have no proof. But tell me honestly, if you've seen him, would you think this is outside the realm of possibility? He's like the Tasmanian Devil.

Call Me Crazy...

...but isn't current kiddie sensation Hannah Montana basically a live action, less sci-fi-ey re- imagining of Jem?

That's truly truly outrageous.

Of course, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was basically a live action re-imagining of Voltron.