I Know There's a Writer's Strike...

But get some freaking originality.

One Missed Call...

I liked it a lot better when it was a video and called The Ring.


Merry (or Happy, you weird people) Christmas.

I'm Pretty Sure I'm a Marketing Genius...

So, even though retail establishments now start gearing up for Christmas pretty much on December 26th, there's a period when you reaaaaaaally know it's that glorious holiday shopping season. The week of Thanksgiving. Why? That's when three sets of commercials start becoming unavoidable:

1) Jewelry
2) Toy
3) Fragrances

Now, I have nothing against toy ads, though since I watch a little bit of children's programming I tend to get deluged with them. I do have a really big problem with jewelry ads at any time of year. I'm sorry, but diamonds do not equal love. Stop selling them like that. Plus, this year, there's been this onslaught of patronizing jewelry commercials where somehow the man is seen as either ignorant of jewelry stores altogether ("wait, how did he know about Shaws?") or just flat out superior ("He went to Jared.").

But it's the fragrance ads that really crack me up. Has there ever, and Bart means eeeeeeever, been a more pretentious advertisement than one for a perfume or cologne? The presentation, the voice overs, the production values that are better than some shows on television. All for smell juice. Are you kidding? And this has been SOP since at least the 80s. It's like they figure if the scent is going to have a really ridiculously pretentious name, they might as well go whole hog.


I said this to The Queen the other night, and I meant it. A company should have a fragrance ad where a guy or gal is standing in a very plain background (like the I'm a PC, I'm a Mac commercials, which by the way, even though I'm not a Mac head, I find funny, if pretentious), and they say "Choices. Cologne or perfume. It smells nice." Commercial over. I'd buy that shit on principle alone. And think of how much money they'd save. They could probably afford to sell the scent for way less, and make it up on volume from the millions of people refreshed by the honesty and simplicity of the ad campaign.

By the way, if there isn't a cologne or perfume named "Choices" and it comes out in the near future, I will be demanding restitution.

Get off my TV, Rachael Ray

So, can't stand her. Her being Rachael Ray. Wasn't really fond of her before her over exposure, but now that she's everywhere (and Bart means EVERYWHERE!) I really want her to have some sort of horrible scandal where we find out she sacrifices babies for her fame and fortune or something.

No one is that damn happy. I don't care what anybody says. She's on uppers or something. It's Kelly Ripa like bizarre. Like her face is permanently frozen in a Joker grin. Frown woman! Get angry!

I mean, I swear to jeebus, every time that one Dunkin Donuts commercial comes on and she says "Delish!" with this stupid wink look, I wish I had super powers to reach through my TV so I could slap the smile off her face.

I don't quite hate her as much as I do Celine Dion (the anti-Christ), but she's working on it. Hopefully in the very near future, her and Dr. Phil can become afterthoughts in the Oprah generation juggernaut.

I remember a few years back, when I barely knew who she was, but was already annoyed with her, they had these Ritz crackers adverts in the grocery store, and someone had drawn a fake mustache on it. That cracked me up. Still does when I think back on it. I'm smiling as a recollect that glorious defamation.

Oh, I'm supposed to mention that even though she's heinous and so damn chipper I want to hurt her, at least she isn't waif thin and is a "real woman." So, there's like, one positive to about a trillion negative.

The Garden Sheet...

So, I got my mom sheets for Christmas. I'd worry about announcing this on my blog when we're a week out from Christmas still, but she doesn't have computer access. Plus, she's fairly computer illiterate, and probably thinks a blog is a naughty euphemism for poo. And plus, her MS has given her the memory of goldfish. She probably already forgot that I even gave them to her already, so I can maybe give her two gifts for the price of one this season. I'm an awful, yet awesome, person, I know. I got her jersey knit sheets. Why? Why not? Jersey knit sheets are effin' awesome. I can't believe you people don't use them. I can't believe that jersey knit isn't the standard, instead of those...uh...other kind. I can't even feel those things anymore without feeling like I scratched my skin all up from the coarseness of the devil fabric.

Anyway, I also got them for her because I wash her sheets for her (most of the time) and one of her sets is pretty much obliterated. I figured she might want a much softer set, because she's crippled and all. Oh, sorry. Handicapped. Oh, sorry, handicapable. Jesus, that's a nuisance. When did we start giving a shelf life to positivity? Give it a few years, and the term will be something ridiculous like handicripple. Simply because handicapable will have earned this perceived negative stigma. Getting the train back on the track here...anyway, she can't move her legs and tends to get like, you know, bed sores. So while I seriously doubt the power of the jersey knit will stop her from getting sores, I figure it might make her at least a little more comfortable. Am I an awesome son or what?

Anyway, jersey knit rules, and you drool.

Next time...my out of nowhere hatred for Rachael Ray.

People Should Really Think About What This Says...

So, in January, the Maryland State Police are having their annual Polar Bear Plunge. Charity event, with the proceeds going towards The Special Olympics. I can get on board with this. In case you don't know what the Plunge is, you basically get people to pledge you, then you hop in to sub zero waters (here, the Chesapeake Bay) and prove you're slightly crazy. Which is kinda the essence of a lot of charity drive events. Though in the case of walk a thons, walking is something we're supposed to do. I don't think humans were meant to jump half clothed in to freezing water for kicks. But it's relatively harmless, and it's for a good cause.

But that's not what I went "hunnnwha?" at recently. I was not aware that there's a higher level that raises the most money. The Super Plunge. That's where you jump in the water in a Superman outfit. Bah, I wish. That wouldn't be bat shit insane. Well, what is bat shit insane?

Every hour on the hour, for 24 hours, doing the plunge.

Bat. Shit. Insane.

If it were 12 hours, it'd still be crazy, but not quite bat shit insane. 24 straight hours. No real sleep, and subjugating yourself to freezing temperatures every hour on the hour. Let's possibly get reaaaaaaally sick for charity! How about we just let ourselves be injected with debilitating diseases, pledge your money per disease? Or how about we start jumping in to lions dens, for every second you survive, a charity gets a dollar?

But however bat shit insane I feel you have to be to do that, I take more of an issue with the fact that it earns so much money. Why can't you just give that much money for the people doing the regular plunge? Why'd they have to create this completely bat shit insane stunt to get the good numbers?

www.plungemd.com

What exactly the hell is wrong with us?

...and I'm back.

At least, I hope.

I'm sure I have tons of stories floating around to get back on track, but there's a pressing one. Less than 12 hours old in fact.

At 7:10 am this morning I fell down some stairs.

As fits my existence, it wasn't even an awesome fall, with even an iota of grace. My feet came out from under me, thanks to about a millimeter of ice, and I went down on my ass. And then proceeded to go down that way for the duration of the stairs, about seven steps or so. I also managed to hurt my arm in the process, I think I must have gotten it caught under me as I went down or trying to stop the "slide" down or something.

What a way to start my day, huh? Couldn't even fall in a way that got me out of work, either. Though I did file a report just in case there was any lingering effects besides the big ass (no pun intended) bruise and a scraped up ego. Which there won't be.

My only saving grace is that nobody saw it happen. Of course, I'm now proceeding to ruin that by telling the effin' world all about it.

Humpday Haiku - Halloween

Today I'm 30
That's one day closer to death
(Pink Floyd for the win)

Humpday Haiku

Dentist appointment
It has been quite awhile
This oughta be good

Update: Not a thing. It had been about 7 years, and nothing. Go me.

Tuesday Tech Support

Gotta Get Jump Started

So, this is a meme from over at Culture Kills. It gets me posting, right?

(Between work and a minor health thing, I just haven't had the posting jones in me. Sorry)

Basically, it's like 5 questions about various forms of culture. I can dig that alright.

Literature:

Best books you read in school: The Crying of Lot 49 by Thomas Pynchon, Night by Elie Wiesel

Books you hated in school: Beloved.

Book you keep meaning to read but haven't gotten around to: Babylon by Bus. Got it as a gift and I keep putting it off.

Favorite Author: Really depends on the moment.

Place from a book you'd like to inhabit: Dunno. The Shire maybe?

Gaming:

Most satisfying plot-related death: Wesker in Resident Evil. I was a bit miffed when I heard he wasn't really dead or something.

Most satisfying ending: I really liked the Final Fantasy VII ending, which is like, blasphemy.

Most Disappointing ending: Mega Man II. I have no idea. He walks along and along and then he's gone and he left his helmet behind.

Favorite lead character: Hrm. Link maybe. Maybe Leon Kennedy.

Game you wish you could play but can't: Dunno, Halo I guess. No Xbox for me.

Television:

Favorite show all time: Hrm. Simpsons, probably.

Favorite Theme Song: The A-Team, Airwolf, The Rockford Files, M*A*S*H.

Have you ever bought a series on DVD that you didn't watch on TV first: I think Sports Night might count. I sorta saw it on TV first, but not really.

If you had to stop watching a particular show, which would be your first choice: Hard to say. Right now I'd probably go with My Name Is Earl. It's still funny, but not as brilliant as it started.

Should NYPD Blue-style swearing and partial nudity be back on the air: Sure, but not if the partial nudity is Denis Franz' backside.

Film:

Best Shootout: The end of Heat.

Best Car Chase: Either the French Connection, or The Bourne Identity. I love the "uhm, so, uhm...we got kind of a bump coming up" right before they go down a stair well.

Best Fight Sequence: The Narrator vs. Himself in Fight Club.

Character actor you love to hate: Does William Zabka count? If not, Paul Gleason was pretty good at that.

Someone who should be in every movie released this year: Me. Box office gold.

Humpday Haiku 10/3

Oh, Ninja. So spry

How did you get way up there?

Reason for your name.

Tuesday: Tech Support

This really does happen all the time.

As Promised:

A picture of a Light in a Tree.

You Want Us To Do What?

Allow me to share with you what my boss and I officially classify as "one of the stupidest things we've ever done."

As my boss and I are working the initial stages of an arena setup for a large charity dinner/concert tomorrow night (Children's Cancer Fund), I get a phone call from my co-worker. "Hey, A and B are over at the Pavillion, and they want to know if we can put some small lights, like music stand lights or something, in to some Port-a-Pots they have set up for some event tonight."

I'm already dumbfounded at this point. But my boss shrugs resignedly, and we go over. After a five minute conversation, where we try to point out the absurdity of the situation (starting with how little light those music stand lights put off, how we'd have a cord going in to each one and is that even "code compliant," and that there's a pretty decent amount of ambient light from the Pavillion and the street lights.

We were over ridden, but we did come up with something better than the music light stands.

Ten minutes later, I was standing on the forks of a forklift, attaching a parcan (a type of light) to a tree branch.

That's right. I put a light in a tree. To illuminate portable bathrooms.

I'm still shaking my head about it. I wish I had taken a picture. I have to go to work tomorrow, and if my coworker didn't take it down yet, I'll take a picture then. But even still, I'm not sure even a photograph can capture the sheer absurdity of a production lighting fixture attached to a tree branch, focused on two spotapots.

RIP Annie...

We Regret To Inform You...

I will not be doing Rhyme and Treason any more. I simply can't keep up enough of a regular posting schedule to make it truly fun right now. If anybody else wants to take it off my hands, logo included, feel free. Sorry, guys.

Humpday Haiku

Whoops...ate bad apple
looked okay to eat at time
stomach pays the price

Tuesday: Tech Support

Top Ten Thursday: Best Print to Screen Adaptations.

How many times have you heard “that was pretty good…but the book was better?” If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I’d be converting a buttload of nickels in to paper money. Sometimes, the translation works better than others. And sometimes you get Bonfire of the Vanities. Or Dune.

So, here we go with my choices for the best print to screen adaptations. I know this is supposed to be top ten, but I honestly can’t rank these. Let’s say that in my head, they’re all tied, ten ways, for first. I know, that’s cheating. You’ll get over it.

The Hunt For Red October – I know, most people would think I’d probably say one of the Tom Clancy adaptations that Harrison Ford was in. But, to be fair, Red October is probably the most faithful adaptation. Patriot Games was a close second, but it loses lots of points for making a prequel book in to a sequel movie, and for losing all the underlying subtext in the translation. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I feel that Alec Baldwin was a more fitting Jack Ryan than Harrison Ford.

Stand By Me – Originally a short story entitled “The Body” by Stephen King, this was one of my favorite movies growing up. And talk about taking the source material and expanding it to great success. Speaking of that formula…

The Shawshank Redemption – Another Stephen King short story adaptation, and one of the best movies ever.

Lord of the Rings – Collectively, they do pretty good justice to the books, enough that most fan boys weren’t complaining too much. Though believe me, complaining was to be had. Of course, Fellowship managed to zip by the most boring parts of the book. As my friend Ryan likes to put it, it was nothing but 50 pages of “the countryside is beautiful, but then it was night and the Dark Riders came, and we were scared, but then it was day and we were full of hope and the countryside is beautiful, but then it was night and the Dark Riders came…”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – So far, the best adaptation, for my money. Lots of stuff included, though there were some disappointing things economically left out. But not as much as Goblet of Fire or Order of the Phoenix…not nearly as much as OotP. And the first two movies were way too schmaltzy, though I guess that’s okay for intro movies.

Get Shorty – Just edges Out of Sight for my favorite Elmore Leonard adaptation. I do believe Leonard himself said that it was the best adaptation of his books, style wise. John Travolta is a weird choice for Chili Palmer, if you’ve ever read the books, but the rest of the casting is pretty awesome. Especially Gene Hackman.

The Bourne Identity – I’ll readily admit that I haven’t been able to read the book all the way through. Something about Robert Ludlum’s style doesn’t agree with me. I guess that’s why the movie gets my nod for really good adaptation.

The Princess Bride – Talk about a movie capturing the tone of a book almost perfectly. The movie manages to fit both the reverential and satirical nature of the book. It might help that the author and screenwriter were the same.

Fight Club – One of those rare times where I thought the movie was better than the book, marginally. I think I liked the book ending better, but I couldn’t fault the movie makers for changing it. Kind of like The Firm. Lots of people went nuts when that movie came out and the entire ending was changed…but did you really want to see Tom Cruise copying files for 30 minutes?

Jaws – Definitely raised the quality of the source material. What was a passable novel became the original summer blockbuster. Was it fate that the mechanical shark wouldn’t work correctly so Spielberg was forced to keep it hidden most of the movie, making it much more suspenseful? How about the pitch perfect casting? Who knows, but it does work.

Well, that's it for me today, brothers and sisters. Excuse me, while I go continue being sick...it's been two weeks now, and the novelty has long ago worn off.

Fred Thompson, Leader of the Free World?

How many of you heard about this? Senator Thompson, formerly known as actor Fred Dalton Thompson, announced his candidacy for POTUS. I don't care if he's GOP, if Fred Thompson peppers his presidential campaign with lines from some of his movie roles, I might get suckered.

For instance when asked about Iraq, he could say "This business is going to get out of control. It's going to get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it." (Hunt for Red October)

If someone asks him about dissension among candidates, he could reply "If you two wanna turn yourselves into a greasy spot out on a country road somewhere, go right ahead. I don't give a shit and I don't think anybody else does, but you two monkeys are not going to do it on my racetrack." (Days of Thunder)

When asked about terrorism: "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I know we're all dummies up here, McClane, but give us a little taste of your brilliant genius! What are we talking about, a hijacking..." (Die Hard 2)

I mean, this has so much potential! I love it when actors run for public office. I mean, if you told someone 30 years ago that Gopher from the Love Boat was going to be a pretty good civil servant, what would you say? How about telling people 60 years ago that Ronald Reagan would be POTUS? They even made that a joke in Back to the Future.

Maybe it's that no-nonsense non regional Southern drawl of his. He doesn't come off as a bumpkin as Bush tends to with his accent and diction, he comes off as that ass-kicking grandfather that will be gentle with you until you put that foot out of line.

I seriously doubt I'd ever vote GOP in the next POTUS election, simply because the vast majority of the party platform go against my thinking, but if Thompson's platform speaks to me...as I told the Queen, I'll be sorely tempted. I doubt he'll get the GOP nomination though. But that speaks volumes about me as a pop culture junkie.

Note, this post was originally started as a comment over at "Did We Say That Out Loud." I felt it deserved more treatment, though.

Humpday Haiku

Memorabilia?
Will you use the glove defense?
"Juice" no longer loose.

Tuesday: Tech Support?

So, I ventured across a new blog today (thanks IMDb) and liked it. I also liked an aspect of it, where you can make comic strips with pre rendered characters and objects and such. So, I'm gonna try this out, and see how long it takes me to abandon it. So, here it is, the first, and crude, Tech Support.

David's Weekend Wandering

So David McMahon is now asking weekly questions. I've missed all of them up to now, but as I need inspirado, I'll answer the call. The call being his question. He didn't actually call me. He doesn't know my number. He calls it "Weekend Wandering." I thought it should be Wondering. But I'm not David. I'm more like a much shorter Goliath. With better table manners. And not biblical. Yet.

And the question is: Hollywood's knocking on your door, to offer you top billing in a studio blockbuster, alongside any movie star of your choice. Whom do you choose?

Wow, what a question for a pop culture junkie like myself. In the not too distant past, I'd probably have said Harrison Ford. The man is Indiana Jones and Han Solo for crying out loud. Not to mention playing Jack Ryan on screen more than any other actor. But alas, that ship has probably sailed, and since the question doesn't actually say what kind of blockbuster it is, I'll have to go another route, and pick who is probably my current favorite actor:

Matt Damon.

Oh yes, I'd make people forget all about that Affleck (AFLAC!) guy. Matt and Ben, nay, Matt and Bart. I'd be the Hutch to his Starsky. The Cash to his Tango. The Hooch to his Turner...no, wait, that's not very flattering.

Well, that was fun. While I have you, and while we're talking about stuff David is doing...

David is also going out of his way to help out fledgling writers with an ongoing series of postings entitled "Telling Write From Wrong." That man never met a homonym he didn't like. Anyway, ask him questions about writing, and he'll give you advice. Simple enough. And he's not doing it as a shameless ploy like I would be, so that's a plus on his side. Go have a looksie.

Rhyme...and Treason

Greetings and salutations, sports fans. Time for another wild and woolly edition of Rhyme...and Treason.

This week, straight from the days of yore (which, as we know, is before "back in the day"), we have the first stanza of "All Around the Mulberry Bush." You know the drill...I'll leave out the last line, and you fill it in for me, just leave a comment with your entry. Friday I'll judge you based on my awesome sliding scale and determine a winner.

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun.
Pop!...

readygo

Brushes With Death (or at least, serious injury), Part Deux

Perhaps some of you will remember that in June, I posted a "humorous" story about almost dying. If you want a recap, click on me, and I shall whisk you magically away to the past and you can catch up.

Now, I shall regale you all with a story much closer to our present time period. The original was ten years ago. This happened last August. Right after I got married. And this time, the onus of blame was squarely on my shoulders. Savor the flavor, kiddies, because I don't often announce my own complete idiocy to the world. But in this case, there's no escaping the fact that I was a complete effin' moron.

Jessie and I had decided to go on a catamaran cruse out to a cove. It was called either Pirates Cove or Cave. But basically, it was a place for pirates to hide back in the golden age of piracy. They'd anchor the catamaran and you could swim up to the cove, or you could go up to the little establishment on the top of the cliff, pay a buck, and jump in to the water.

See where this is going? No, you don't. Let me finish.

Jessie and I decided to just swim to the cave to check it out. This is where I had a very crucial lapse in judgment. If I did die, I wouldn't have blamed anybody for a scathing epithet of "He picked the wrong time to have a colossally large 'duh' moment." In hindsight, of course, it was crystal clear to me. But at the time, not so much. I wasn't even trying to be macho, I simply screwed the pooch.

I thought I could swim to and from the cove. I even turned down an offered life jacket. Why? What was the colossal "duh" moment that made me think I could do this? I thought that the water would shallow as we approached the cave. Can anybody tell me why this was such a stupid idea? I'll tell you. The cave was used by pirates to hide, right? Which means that the water leading up to it, and inside of it, had to be deep enough for a ships keel. Duh.

I get about halfway there, when I realize that if I don't turn back, I'll be in deep doo doo. I get halfway back to the catamaran when I realize I probably went about 10 feet too far towards the cave before turning back. My legs have become as useful as wet noodles, and I'm forced to rely on my arms to stay afloat, and to propel me towards the boat. I'm also starting to hyper ventilate from exertion, so I can't call out to the boat for assistance.

At this point, I don't remember much. I think I went in to "instinct mode," I hazily remember focusing in on the ladder rungs on the back of the catamaran, and willing myself towards them. Twenty feet became fifteen, which became ten. Right about here I remember much more, because at five feet...I was done. The tank was empty. I wasn't even taking in oxygen due to the severity of the hyper ventilation. I made what is best described as a last ditch flail towards the catamaran, and by sheer dumb ass luck, my hand caught the rung.

I managed to pull myself up, right at the same point a concerned sailor came to my aid. Had he not been looking at the back of the boat at that exact time, and my hand didn't catch the rung...well, I don't want to think about that. I caught my breath sitting on the ladder, and then sheepishly crawled to where Jessie and I had been sitting on the way over to figure out what went wrong. Wasn't very long before I realized that I went wrong.

I've done some stupid things in my time, but I'm pretty sure my complete lack of common sense in this situation is the top ranking incident of my life.

Top Ten Movies That Really Didn't Need Sequels.

Okay, I'm sick, so bear with me if I'm a bit all over the place. But I had it in my head that I was going to do this today, and even though I'm my own boss when it comes to this here corner of the internets, I'd like to stick to that deadline.

So really, how many movies are out there that honest to goodness needed no sequel? Or if a sequel was to be made, to not piss over the original? I'm sure there are more than 10, but you get a top ten list anyway. Possible spoiler alert, as well.

10. The Matrix
Here's one where sequels made sense, but the execution was horrible. How many of you, like me, noticed that by the end of the trilogy, everything was back to where it was originally? It takes the original movies ending and flushes it. Plus, why have Neo go through all that trouble to save Trinity in "Reloaded" only to kill her anyway in "Revolutions." Especially when they filmed the movies together.

9. Halloween
Not even the second one, which isn't a bad sequel and I like, can redeem the majority of the other sequels.

8. The Bad News Bears
A classic movie which pretty much said all there was on the subject...which they then twisted and dripped the last vestiges of story out of to make the god awful sequels.

7. American Graffiti
How many people even remember that the made a sequel to American Graffiti?

6. Psycho
Seriously, why? Leave well enough alone. And I'm not even talking about the Van Sant remake.

5. Wayne's World
The second one was entertaining, but it's pretty much the same movie, but with different set pieces. Like Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Or Point Break and The Fast and the Furious.

4. The Blair Witch Project
Like or hate the first movie, any sequel to it would have to be forced. And it was. And it sucked.

3. Troll
To start, Troll was awful. Then they made another one...and there wasn't even an effin' Troll in the damn thing!

2. Police Academy
Everyone loves to make fun of the Police Academy series, but because the sequels were so awful, they tend to forget that the first one is a pretty decent screwball comedy.

1. Jaws
They just got progressively worse and worse. By the time we got to Revenge, we had a shark who actually was out for revenge...for what? And it took place like 20 years after the first...and the shark roared...while jumping out of the sea like a whale breaching.