Sports Utitlity Vehicle?

More like Stupid Unneeded Vehicle. Here's my Top Ten Reasons Why I'd Really Like To Key Every SUV I See...

10) The first time we heard it uttered, it was by Paul Hogan, thusly extending his post-Crocodile Dundee career longer than really necessary.

9) I hate the names. Escalade, Expedition, Masturbation…oh wait, that’s only what I think one should be called…

8) Parking spaces have shrunk over the years in order to try and fit a few extra spots on the same parcel of land. So the logical thing for us to do is to buy overly large vehicles, right? Especially when half the people with licenses couldn’t park a bicycle straightly.

7) What the heck is a Sports Utility Vehicle, anyway? Exactly, nothing. SUV is a BS term invented by some marketing dude at Subaru because some auto designer couldn’t make up his mind if he wanted to make a station wagon or a mini-van.

6) Speaking of: What the hell was wrong with station wagons and mini-vans? Not a damn thing. Wouldn’t you feel less anger at the SUV driving crowd if they were still driving family oriented vehicles like the station wagon and the mini-van?

5) Honestly now, what percentage of people who own SUV’s are using them as advertised? I’m gonna go out on a limb and say about 1%. Everyone else probably barely takes them off the freeway, let alone off-freaking-road.

4) How big do you need your stupid car to be, anyway? Some of these stupid things are bigger than my house. You have too much car, miss. In fact, if you’re breathing heavy trying to get in to your car…you better be the driver of Bigfoot.

3) You’re paying too much for a vehicle, making it easier for dealerships to jack up the prices on better, more prudent, vehicles. And you’re doing so under false pretenses…safety? Really? Bigger doesn’t automatically mean safer. In fact, with the way most people drive SUV’s, with no CLUE how much space they’re taking up, it’s more dangerous.

2) When I’m making a right hand turn, and there is an SUV making a left, I might as well throw my shifter in to park. BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE AROUND THAT STUPID SUV!

1) Gas is about to hit record highs, even adjusting for inflation. That’s your fault, SUV drivers. You put so many of those stupid gas guzzling pieces of crap on the road, you’re helping the Shells and Amocos of the world justify these prices. How do you figure, Bart? Well, frequency of visits. People are visiting the pumps way more. They’re traveling the same average distance, but with vehicles that suck on gas like Maggie Simpson with a pacifier, the pumps are getting hit harder…I don’t think it’s coincidence at all that Subaru debuted the “first SUV,” the Outback, in the early-mid 90s, and that was the last time gas was at a reasonable price. Chew on that.