Very Little Help

I'm sure most of you are aware of what an Amber Alert is. If you don't, go here for details, but basically, it's a system to solve missing children cases as quickly as possible.

This morning, as I drove in to work, I was listening to ESPNRadio, as I generally do. I was startled to hear the EBS (Emergency Broadcast System) noises, and actually panicked a bit. I'll be thirty this Halloween, and I have never heard those noises unless it was preceded by "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, This is only a test." So, initially, I was like "oh shit! We've been invaded!" I immediately discounted the possibility of nuclear Armageddon, because quite frankly, I live a hop, skip, and a jump from Washington, DC. If this was nuke, I'd be dead. So, my 80s addled brain immediately went to the second default crisis, what I like to refer to as "the Red Dawn scenario." So while I was mentally figuring out where the closest gun shop was, and where I could run and hide in the woods, they actually announced the emergency. And of course, as I so smoothly tipped off in the intro, it was an Amber Alert. I only told you of the other stuff so you could realize how idiotic I can be. On that note: WOLVERINES!

Anyway, to my real point. The Maryland State Police, on behalf of the Baltimore City Police, were issuing an Amber Alert. Cool. I have eyes, might as well put them to good use. Then they give the descriptions. Child's name. 47 pounds. Wearing yellow shorts and Champion sneakers. Most likely abducted by the suspect (isn't that inherent in "suspect"?), name, 6 feet tall, 170 pounds.

Does anybody besides me see the problem with this?

I know it's not hip to get all racially profiley...but these descriptions are waaaay too non-descriptive. I could get about ten 6 foot 170 pound dudes in trouble today, as long as they happened to be with a little girl that looked approximately 50 pounds. Come on BCPD/MSP...throw us a descriptive bone here. White? Black? Purple? What color hair? You know, basic description stuff here.

I pretty much fear for the safety of this child. Especially if the Wolverines do get involved. They weren't the brightest bunch of high school aged vigilante freedom fighters.


Note for my non-US friends...Red Dawn is a movie of "cult status," made in 1984. The basic plot is that World War III starts with the former Soviet Union and Cuba double pronging in to the US from the North and South, and when that happens, a group of high schoolers take refuge in the Colorado mountains. They eventually start fighting back. The opening scene of paratroopers landing outside the Colorado high school and opening fire indiscriminately is still something that bothers me today (more so the image of a dead student hanging out the window). The movie stands up as probably the pre-eminent example of Cold War paranoia of the 80s, and could probably be used as an example of jingo-ism. However, it's cheesy good, and any movie that tries to make C. Thomas Howell a bad ass is worthy of recognition.